Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
