so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Houston, we have a squirter
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He has the fingertips of a God
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
