i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
