Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
