After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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