you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
