She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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