I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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