so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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