Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
