just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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