Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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