I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
