Is it because I queefed?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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