"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
