I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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