I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
