I'm sorry my penis didn't work
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i was born a porn star she said
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
