Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
