Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
