Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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