I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
