You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
