I am in a vortex of obligation.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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