Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
