Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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