When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
