I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
we're making bets on your personal life
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
