Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
