We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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