Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
