White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
