Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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