beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I love you. Go after that dick
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
