At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
