God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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