the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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