I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
