Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
