Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
false alarm, still single
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
