My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
