I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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