Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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