You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
