Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
