i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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