Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
