i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
