I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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