First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
