WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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