I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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