We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
