real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
