Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
