I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
