Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
