textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
