someone threw a dead crab at me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
