Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
